Mirror of my soul...♪

Allergies & Hay Fever

It is my second week of summer vacation, and I am unable to enjoy it because of my allergies.

Why does everything have to have a negative side to it? I’m on my vacation, but for the past 5 days, I’ve been blowing my nose every minute because of the snot that runs out of my nose, I’ve been almost dead because I can’t think clearly, I’ve been struggling to fall asleep at night because I can’t breathe through my stuffy nose, and I can’t even enjoy the free time I have because of hay fever. My face is getting red and irritated from blowing my nose so much—I literally have to carry around face lotion with me because I have to put on the face lotion or else my skin will get super dry around my nose.

I just want it all to end!! ARRRGH! Why does hay fever have to exist?! AAAARGH! Not even medicine will help me with my stupid stuffy nose and my stupid red itchy eyes! I spent almost $20 on that medicine—it should at least be doing something, but I don’t feel any different at all!

I don’t care about the nice weather. I’d rather have winter all year round if I have to deal with hay fever every year.

But hey, on the bright side, at least I’m not in school with hay fever. I remember it used to be torture in high school—the school tissues were so rough and when they would run out of tissues, I’d have to sit there with my stuffy nose, hoping that my snot wouldn’t run down my face. I’d also get annoyed when another classmate who also had allergies would hog the box of tissues. At least I’m home; I’d rather be at home than at school.

Better than expected

Last week (or two weeks ago… I can’t remember >_<) I turned in a 12 page essay to one of my classes. I was completely out of it when I typed up that essay, so I don’t remember much about how much work it took or how much research I had to do, but in the end, I remember that I wasn’t very satisfied with that essay—I was actually really really ashamed of that essay (and for some reason that seems to be a pattern with essays). In fact, I thought I did so horrible, that I’ve been ditching that class specifically to avoid the “judgmental” eyes of my teacher that may not even be there. I think that happens to be a bad habit of mine—trying to avoid criticism. I think when I try my best at something and fail, I tend to run away from the criticism knowing that I wouldn’t be able to handle it.

Anyway, I checked in my email today, seeing that the teacher had sent me my grade and rubric through email since I haven’t been showing up to class. It turns out I got an A, and that I worrying for nothing. It was a lot better than I expected to get.

I think this is really a horrible habit of mine. Although I do well in classes in general, I just tend to shut down when I think I’ve failed at something (at anything, not just school). When I think I’ve failed (even though in reality I probably haven’t), I start to think that all my efforts were never worth it and that I should just stop. The thing is, I tend to so this BEFORE knowing if I failed or not, which is just a sorely negative way of thinking.

It’s usually a really nice surprise when I find out that I did better than expected, but I wish I would stop thinking so negative. I think it’s sort of a defense mechanism that I developed over the years to prevent myself from being disappointed—expect the worse so that I can be happy with the smallest achievement. 

Mail

I think mail (actual mail, not email) is getting lost and overtaken the new availability of new technology which makes things a lot easier and convenient; and I’d honestly rather email something instead of mail because it’s a lot cheaper since I’m already on the computer and emailing will take less time and less work. 

In such industrialized place like the U.S., or more specifically in cities, I understand that more and more people are busy and mailing something physically definitely takes a lot more time than emailing something. It just kind of makes me sad how almost no one mails much handwritten letters before. I mean, I know when if I ever received a handwritten letter it would make me feel a little bit happier (unless it’s hate mail -.-).

I mean, I even send a few handwritten letters to some of my friends, and they usually find it weird considering I already talk to them on facebook and through the internet in general. I just feel when something is handwritten, rather than typed, then it has more feeling in it—it has personality depending the strokes of the person’s handwriting and how hard they pressed on the paper—you can almost make out how they were feeling during the letter.

Haha~ I don’t know ^_^;; Maybe that’s why I like the anime Tegami Bachi so much since they talk about how special handwritten letters are -.-; … 

Letting go of dreams

For years now, one of my hidden dreams was to become a singer—more specifically, an anime song singer, but I think I’ve grown out of that phase in my life.
When I was younger, I already knew that it was such a foolish dream. There are about a million people out there who are much much better than I am, and deserve it so much more than I would, but after seeing HIMEKA accomplish her dream, I suddenly became inspired.
It was truly an inspiration. She was just a regular person on YouTube (with talent) doing fandubs…until she deleted her account. I really really really loved her voice, so thinking that her account got suspended (AGAIN) because of copyrights, I desperately searched for her new account, but came across a video that showed her winning a contest in Japan, thus becoming an professional anison singer. I then thought “hey, maybe this foolish dream really isn’t impossible after all!”

I think I’m finally realizing that this dream really isn’t something to pursue. Not is it only impossible, but as I said in my “Celebrities…” post, it’s not something I could handle. I know not everyone would like me. I’m already afraid of people, so I don’t see how this dream could work out unless some company out there would give me a fake name and a mask to wear (O_o), which even if they did—I don’t think any people would become a fan of such a weird person with low confidence -.-.

I’m starting to realize that this dream just won’t simply work for me. I’m not trying to be negative here, but I think I’m finally facing reality instead of living in that foolish fantasy world inside my head where I suddenly become confident and outgoing instead of introverted and shy. Yes, I am trying my best in trying to conform to what the American society sees as healthy well-rounded person, but I can only do so much before I hit a brick wall as high as the sky. I do like singing, but I don’t think I’ll go anywhere in life if I keep on holding on to this foolish dream, so I have to let it go. It’s not like I’m going to stop singing…. hey, I still love karaoke XD!—I’ll just try not to sing karaoke thinking that one day I’ll become an anison singer; I’ll just sing karaoke simply because I love it XD. I think that’s one of the reasons why I stopped singing karaoke on YouTube for about a year—because I always thought it wasn’t good enough to upload… I’ll just sing because I love it…. not because I’m trying to impress anyone.

Few more weeks to go!

It’s that time of the year where I start to get lazy because the school year is coming to an end ;_;.

I just need to hang in there. There are times where I just want to sit around and do nothing, but I HAVE to get stuff done. Why does it seem like every time I’m on a break, I miss school, but when I’m in school, I constantly become lazy and want to be in break again?

I have another 6 page essay due in a few weeks, and a 10 page essay due in two weeks, but I don’t really feel like doing anything at this point. I can’t just skip them because they’re a huge part of my grade ;_;. I just have to get through my laziness and just get them over with. 

Anyway, Easter is just a few hours away, so I’d better be prepared for the crowded church XD!  

Best weekend

I think this was one of the best weekends I have ever had in my life.

I saw The Hunger Games yesterday with Evelyn, and it was seriously one of the best films I watched in my life. I know there was a lot of praise for the movie all around the internet, and so many people who watched it in the opening weekend said it was good, but I was seriously blown away—it was much much better than expected. Although the movie ticket price went up (it used to be $8, but now it’s $10 -.-), I also watched Mirror Mirror today with Alice and that sure lightened things up. It’s was a funny movie with lines that I’m sure Alice will make use of ಠ_ಠ.

But the best part…. oh the best part… of this weekend was the release of Kingdom Heart: Dream Drop Distance. —-Spoiler Alert—— I can’t tell you how much I fangirled over every little scene where Lea showed up in. I can’t tell you how happy this game has made me!!
When I first started liking Axel’s character, I always made fanfictions where Axel got his heart back, or Sora and Riku teamed up with Axel to go against the “evil” dudes because it was obvious Axel wasn’t evil on purpose, but to see it all come true… it’s too much to handle. It’s like a dream coming true. I’m so serious right now. I can’t express my feelings with a bunch of typed up words.

Oh gosh… I feel like crying of happiness. LEEEAAA! ;_; this is such a fangirl’s dream. I am now really looking forward to Kingdom Hearts 3. I cannot wait until the English version of KH3D comes out ;_;. I will try my best and get this game. This is definitely a game I CANNOT miss.

Final Fantasy XIII-2 (part 2)

I finished the game ._. … it was much faster than I expected it to be. I mean, it took a month to beat FFXIII, but only 2-4 days to beat the second game… Well, I guess it could be because I had more free time since I’m on spring break, but still…

Anyway… I’m guessing Neol and/or Hope will be the main protagonists in the next game (if square-enix makes a next game O_o)—maybe Snow too since Serah is his bride-to-be, but Snow hasn’t really shown up much in this game, so I’m not too sure if he is even in AF500 Academia since he wasn’t shown at the end.

Story-wise, I like the first game more: there were much more heartwarming scenes that made me connect with this game. Since I mostly play games for their story, the first game seems more appealing to me compared to the second game. It might have been because I basically went on a gaming binge once my break started, but there wasn’t much that I could connect with in the second game. Most of the story revolved around Noel and Serah; in the first game, with so many characters, it was easy to connect with the game because of the many different individual stories to keep me interested. I loved that I got to see each character’s story and connect with each of them. The heartwarming scenes dragged me in… and since I’m a sucker for happy endings, that ending made me feel like I FINALLY finished the game after a whole month of playing it.

Gaming-wise, I liked the second game. One thing that made me stop playing FFXIII for a year was the fact that I was stuck in once dungeon for hours and hours; I eventually got tired of being in the same place for hours and stopped playing the game for two years. I liked that the second game had more freedom and that I wasn’t limited into one place for the story to continue. I liked that you could add monsters to the party XD, but I’ll admit that leveling them up was a pain if I didn’t have the right materials; I guess it’s bit like leveling up weapons in the first game, so I was a sort of used to it by then. Did I also mention that I LOVE the time traveling concept?! I loved that part of the game *_*! There are much more things to do in this game to keep real gamers interested, but since I personally only care about the story, the extra stuff wasn’t really an aspect I cared about. Other than that, there were many plot holes that square-enix just didn’t explain. I was happy to see Sazh again, but how in the world did he get there? I didn’t really like that the game didn’t feel complete. It just felt like a side game instead of a direct sequel.

Overall, I like the first game better. Like I said, there was so much more to connect with and much more scenes that actually made me feel emotion. Honestly, the story is probably the only reason I like playing games (I wouldn’t even call myself a “gamer” because of this). I’m actually glad that the second game wasn’t as long as the first game because if it was, I probably wouldn’t like it as much. In the second game, I felt like everything was business: just go to another time to find something, complete a few missions, and you’re done and off to another time period.
There were scenes that that made my heart ache, but the second game seemed more like a bridge to another game/DLC because of the “to be continued” ending. I heard that it might not be there might not be any form of continuation and that the “to be continued” at the end just means that there are still paradox endings O_o…. if that’s true, then I will seriously hate square enix.

Final Fantasy XIII-2

I finally got the game!

Yes! I gave my brother money to by it two days ago; he had a coupon that only he could use because he was a member of this gaming magazine… or something like that. I didn’t play it on Thursday, the day he go it, because I had my Math midterm on Friday, which I really needed to study for. Since my spring break is this coming week, I was able to play it yesterday with no worries about homework XD! Yesterday was awesome; I think I played for at least seven hours O_o. I really wanted to get to the part where Hope showed up, and I did XD!

Hope seems a little different in FFXIII-2, and not just because he is 10 years older. He seems more formal than before. He’s not childish anymore ;_;. I kind of liked him better when he was 14, cute, and adorable… He doesn’t really show up much in this game since he’s not one of the main characters anymore, so I can’t really judge him based on his character O_o… Meh… I’m just grateful that I finally saw someone familiar from the first game XD!

I LOVE that the concept of the game is time travel!! I’ve always loved stories that involved time travel, so this game is really one of my favorites *_*!

Anyway, I’m going to be stuck gaming all me spring break. Good bye outside world!!

Confidence

Confidence isn’t something that is easily obtained. A person many be complimented all the time, and yet their confidence may not be at the level as the general public will expect it to be.

Sometimes I wonder why some people get mad when someone simply just does not have much confidence in themselves. “You just need to get more confidence” they say. “Just get more confidence, and you’ll do better” they add. “Why are you always so negative?! Just think more positive” is another useless statement. Someone cannot just simply gain confidence.

When someone is negative, it may just be a small thing that is easily gotten over, or it may last a long time; therefore, making it harder to get over. Whether the loss of confidence is small or big, confidence is not something that is easily gained. They can be complimented a whole bunch, and yet the confidence can still not be gained.

Sometimes I think that really confident people just do not understand that there are some out there who just don’t have confidence. Yes, you may be confident, but the person next to you may not be; they aren’t weird or trying to gain sympathy—they just simply aren’t as confident… in fact, they may even seem more humble. 

Confidence is a good thing, but just because someone isn’t confident, it doesn’t mean that they aren’t capable of great things.

Sometimes I think that American society sees confident people as “the good guys” while negative thinkers are “the negative guys” that need to be isolated because they corrupt others. Both are people, and both just see different points of views on certain situations.